I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
