so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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