i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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