i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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