I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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