I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
