just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
