I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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