Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
