It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
