Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
