At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
