i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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