too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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