tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
