omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize