My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
