There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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