The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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