I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
