were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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