Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
