I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize