i think my mom watched the whole time
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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