Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'm having to shit out rocks
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