please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
