Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
