it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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