from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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