dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We are two peas in an std pod
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
