Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
