Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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