Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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