Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
