I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
