At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I think I have vodka in my lungs
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Randomize
