Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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