the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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