My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
