Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
