jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
