i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
