It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize