I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
