This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize