All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
