You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
