It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
