Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
