I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
don't judge my taste in strippers
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
