I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
