Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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