My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
