I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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