he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
