weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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