Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
